Often when I am contemplating my future as an unemployed Ausländer living in a Socialist country, I try to think of industries I could exploit. Take for instance, Water, and I am not talking about some actor’s cruddy idea for a movie either. Instead, I am referring to an industry that has convincingly decided, water is best served in bottles with a hint of carbonation. Now, entire societies are dependent upon a carbonated beverage for sustainability. I am still baffled how someone can chug carbonated water after a nice workout; they add a hint of sodium to the water to ensure you are always slightly thirsty. In the words of Guinness, Brilliant! On a totally different subject of brilliancy, Kickstarter minted their first millionaire the other day.
Contingency Water Dependency
Germany is dependent upon carbonated water like the ghetto is dependent upon crack. They simply use it for everything. For starters, they buy water by the truckload. Actually, the previous statement is “grossly” inaccurate because everyone knows Germans drive Smart Cars only. I hope I am not dispelling any stereotypes here. Regardless, they purchase a lot of water, about 5-6 cases weekly.
I am still not sold on the slightly salted, always carbonated beverage but I have found other uses for it. For instance, I use it to shower daily; it does wonders for your cold cream clotted pores. It also makes a delightful tea !SIKE, removes stains better than Tide, and really spruces up vanilla ice cream. I swear some Europeans use it as a substitute for hygiene as well.
What about tap water you say? The animals drink tap water and we use it to boil noodles; no one would dare drink tap water in the presence of others. Trust me, I am still locked in the attic until I finish this post about water. My crime, drinking tap water. I have been secretly sneaking un-carbonated tea breaks in the afternoon.
Like they advise in the textbooks, marketers should adapt their strategies to the culture of interest. I have yet
to figure out how to market anything here. The branding of water is similar to the branding of cars, it makes no sense. (See me in the future for this one) Unfortunately, When I think of water I think of Aquafina, Evian, Fiji Water, or Smart Water. The names evoke a false sense of liquid nourishment. However, in Germany, water brands are synonymous with feminine or masculine names like Pia or Elitess or Kaiser Friedrich and Bad Driburger. Yeah, next time your thirsty, go ahead and grab yourself a delicious Kaiser. Mmmm, taste the rainbow. Contrary to the confusing branding, the contents inside are simply delicious. Did, he say delicious? No, I am not selling out to some water brand as payment for this post, Apollinaris or Gerolsteiner are simply delicious with any meal
While I may poke fun at the branding and the enduring limited uses of Wasser mit Gas, the taste of a finely distilled artesian spring water is like no other and never quite satisfying. Which reminds me, it’s about time for tea.